Dreams

When I was younger, I wanted to be just like my parents. My mom designed houses and my dad inspected them. Whenever we were asked what we wanted to be when we grew up, I would always write down "Drafter" and "Building Inspector." Along with "Dancer" and "Singer" of course.
The older I got, the more I had no idea what I wanted to be. I went through phases where I wanted to be an actress, a photographer, a teacher, and a christian youth music director. (What?) Now I'm in my last year of college and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. People keep asking me what I'm going to do with my major and I just list off random jobs that I could do without actually saying what I'm personally going to do. I really have no idea what I'm going to do after I graduate.
I've never wanted to be something so much that I plan my life around it. I have so many friends that have known exactly what they wanted to do since they were juniors in high school and they've done everything to set themselves up to get into that job/career. 
I know that what I really want will be looked down upon by those people, including my parents. My parents have always expected the best from me because in high school I was an overachiever. I know that makes me sound really self-centered but I was involved in many clubs and groups and I got straight A's. When I got to college, my depression went into full swing and it basically all went downhill from there. It really hurts me thinking that I'm going to let my parents down.
What I really want to be "when I grow up" is a wife and mother. I think that being there for my family and raising my kids to the best of my ability is one of the most important, if not the most important, job that any woman could aspire to. Maybe I'm setting back the female race and hurting feminism but all I want to be is a stay-at-home mom.
That's my actual dream and I honestly don't know if I'll ever achieve it. 

Dear Former Best Friend

Dear Former Best Friend,
I believe in soulmates. I believe that there is that special person out there for everyone...and you were mine. I had never thought that I wouldn't have you in my life. You swept into my life and in just another swipe you were gone. 
Over the years, everyone changes including us. I don't know if we actually grew apart, it's more like we just changed. I don't blame anything or anyone for this, especially you, it's just something that happened. I will never be able to remember how we became friends but I will always remember our adventures. Staying up way too late, texting about absolutely nothing of importance, taking 35 pictures and never posting any of them.
I knew what you were thinking with just one look and you could answer my unsaid questions. Even when we hadn't talked in a while, we were back in step in a second. Through all of the travels and being away from each other, I absolutely missed you. I don't miss people easily but you, you I missed immensely. 
If I have ever hurt you, I am unbelievably and truly sorry. I never wanted to cause you any sort pain. I have said so many things in the past based upon temporary feelings that I know have had a permanent impact on our relationship. I was the one you came to for honesty, not judgement. 
I hope that wherever life has brought you, or has yet to bring you, that you are happy in your life and happy with the people in it. Even if we never are as close as we once were, I know that you have left a hole in my heart that can't be filled by anyone else. 

Wherever life takes you next, I hope that you can look back on our memories and smile. And maybe one day down the road, we'll find our way back to each other. 

Love always.

This is for Me

You can’t choose the life that’s given to you, the only thing you can do is change it. You can't control how you feel about something but you can change how you react to those feelings. You can’t stop time but you can control how you use it.

I haven't loved myself for a very long time. I can't control how I see myself but I can do something about it. I've gained a lot of weight since I started college. A mixture of stress, depression and just bad choices made me gain the weight. But I cannot blame my weight gain on the school food or not having the knowledge to eat healthy, I let myself gain this weight. I chose everything that I put into my body and I chose not to do something about it. When people look at me, I believe that all they see is the weight that I've gained and because of that I have avoided people I went to high school with. I’m afraid that they will leave and say to everyone else, “Wow, did you see how much weight Sara gained? She really let the Freshmen 15 get to her.” My biggest fear is that people will judge me and see me only as a lazy, fat girl who doesn't care about herself. But at the same time, I feel like I am just the lazy, fat girl. I don’t like working out, I don’t really like doing anything physical, and that’s one reason that I don’t work out. The main reason is that when I fail, everyone will know that I failed. Even if I managed to lose some weight, people would ask why I didn’t keep going. I started to go on the treadmill every other day for 30 minutes and someone asked, “Well, why don't you weight train on your days off? Why do you only go for 30 minutes?”

The only person that should be concerned about my weight is me. This is my body and if you don't like how it looks, then don't look at me. I want to be healthy; I want to be able to walk up the stairs without having to catch my breath at the top. Mostly, I want to be able to look in the mirror without crying or crying in the dressing room or feeling like “the fat friend.” What I'm saying is, I want to do this for me. For the first time in a very long time, I'm going to do something for me and only me.

Year 22

It's my 21st birthday. What? I still remember my 18th, 16th, and my 11th birthday like they just happened. I'm so grateful that I've made it to my 22nd year of life. I've been through a lot in my short life, more than I ever thought I would go through when I was younger. 

I've lost more people than I thought I ever would. I've had to deal with depression, suicidal thoughts, never being good enough, hating myself, and feeling utterly and completely alone. I've had love and heartbreak and found the love of my life. I've believed in God, disowned God and come back to Him broken. I've been blessed and cursed and loved and hated. I've been strong and I've been weak. But here I am. 

If it hadn't been for a specific few in my life, I never would have made it to 21. I want the next 21 years of my life to be ones of happiness. That's all that I wish for myself in the future.

Here's to 21 years and to many more.

Happy Birthday to me.

Untitled

I have a very blessed life. My parents aren't divorced, we have a nice house, we always have food on the table, and we work as a family. I have friends that love me, a boyfriend who is crazy about me and plenty of people in my life who are there for me. And yet, I have more secrets than I know what to do with. 

I'm not going to sit here and write down all of my deep, dark secrets but I would I could. Secrets eat you up from the inside out; they're like lies but to yourself. I've never been able to fully open up to anyone and just when I think I'm going to tell someone all of those secrets, I talk myself out of it. I talk myself out of a lot of things. 

I want this to be the year that I stop keeping secrets and stop lying but I'm terrified of being that vulnerable to someone or to multiple people. I just don't want this weight on my chest for the rest of my life. I want to be able to breathe.

Loss: Dealing With It

Hey kids. How you been?

Quick catch up: Life is rough, love is rough, loss is rough.
I've been going through hell and doing it practically alone. I chose this though, to be alone I mean. I've always considered myself a pretty open person until a few months ago. 

In July, my best friend and I "broke up" and my other really close friend and I basically stopped talking. That's two losses I've been dealing with. The other problem is that I refuse to let anyone get close to me anymore. I have two other really good friends and I feel terrible because if they try to get close, I push them away and make my walls higher. 

The past month and a half I've just been trying to forget, forget everything that's been happening. School, work, family, friends... I try to forget everything bad that's been happening just so I can fall asleep at night; but it never fails to leave me lying awake in bed wondering what I did wrong, why all of this happened to me. 

I used to be a true believer in, "If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it." I'm waiting for God to intervene in my mess of a life. I know it's not His job but it would be nice for a push in the right direction. 

I miss my life, who I used to be. I guess I've lost myself too.

Passion

Dictionary.com says that "passion" is defined as,

1. any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.

2. strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.
3. strong sexual desire; lust.
4. an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.
5. a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.
6. a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything

My own definition of "passion" would be,
The overwhelming desire for something/someone.
Whether it be doing something, loving someone, really wanting some type of food, I believe it is all passion.

I have a great passion for ice cream. I don't see anything wrong with indulging myself with ice cream or frozen custard or frozen yogurt. I know that these foods are not exactly good for me but I like to eat them and I would definitely choose them over any sort of fruit or vegetable.

I am passionately in love with my boyfriend. I want to be with him as much as possible, even if we're just watching TV. Being with him makes me happy and that it why I would choose him over some other things/people in my life.

I have a passion for baking and cooking. I don't get to do it very often because of my money situation and because I don't have much spare time. If there was no money in the world and I could choose any job without having to worry about paying for formal training or for the supplies, I would drop out of college and open a bakery. 

I believe there are three kinds of passions: one that you indulge in every once and a while when you can, one that you indulge in often because you can, and one you can't indulge in. 

I read somewhere, "Turn your passion into your day job and you'll never go to work." I've also heard, "Never quit your day dream." These are both saying that you should follow your dreams and you won't wake up dreading your life. I know a lot of people that have had to make many sacrifices to follow their dreams; moving far away from home, ending relationships, spending thousands of dollars, accepting a lower pay, quitting their "dream job." But if you truly want to live your passion, there will be sacrifices you have to make.
It's up to you if the end justifies the means.