Passion

Dictionary.com says that "passion" is defined as,

1. any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.

2. strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.
3. strong sexual desire; lust.
4. an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.
5. a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.
6. a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything

My own definition of "passion" would be,
The overwhelming desire for something/someone.
Whether it be doing something, loving someone, really wanting some type of food, I believe it is all passion.

I have a great passion for ice cream. I don't see anything wrong with indulging myself with ice cream or frozen custard or frozen yogurt. I know that these foods are not exactly good for me but I like to eat them and I would definitely choose them over any sort of fruit or vegetable.

I am passionately in love with my boyfriend. I want to be with him as much as possible, even if we're just watching TV. Being with him makes me happy and that it why I would choose him over some other things/people in my life.

I have a passion for baking and cooking. I don't get to do it very often because of my money situation and because I don't have much spare time. If there was no money in the world and I could choose any job without having to worry about paying for formal training or for the supplies, I would drop out of college and open a bakery. 

I believe there are three kinds of passions: one that you indulge in every once and a while when you can, one that you indulge in often because you can, and one you can't indulge in. 

I read somewhere, "Turn your passion into your day job and you'll never go to work." I've also heard, "Never quit your day dream." These are both saying that you should follow your dreams and you won't wake up dreading your life. I know a lot of people that have had to make many sacrifices to follow their dreams; moving far away from home, ending relationships, spending thousands of dollars, accepting a lower pay, quitting their "dream job." But if you truly want to live your passion, there will be sacrifices you have to make.
It's up to you if the end justifies the means.

Aanndd I'm back

Hey sunshines!

Welcome back to my slice of the internet.

Let's just start over.

Hey, I'm Sara. :)

Summer Recap

Work

I worked for the City again and it wasn't as many hours as I wanted it to be but I got to spend a lot more time with my dad. After my brother's car accident, it was really hard for my dad to "notice" me. I felt like he was almost disappointed that it was my brother instead of me. My dad always says that my brother is his best friend and they spent the first 17.5 years of my brother's life together. I had to step up and do the boy things that I had never had to do before. I had to unload straw, bale hay, help milk, clean the barn, feed calves, pick rocks; all things that I wasn't prepared for. My first summer working for the City, I spent a lot of time at the golf course in the ProShop. This past summer, I got to help my dad with inspections, cleaning yards, doing nuisance checks, and just helping him in general. I think it was really good for us to spend time together on a medium that I could actually help him.

Friends

I feel like a loser saying this but I barely did anything this summer. I hung out with friends, yeah, but I didn't do anything. I did a lot of hanging out with my friends Krista and Brandon, formally known as B. I went through a lot of things with my friends this summer. Two couples in my immediate circle of friends broke up and it was way harder on me than it should have been. One was my best friend and my really good friend; they had dated for over three years. The other were two of my really good friends, Krista being one of them. They had dated for about a year but had been best friends for a long time. It was really hard because I felt like they were going to make me choose between them, even though I knew they never would ask me to do that. I went through a time in my life where everyone needed me to listen to their problems but no one asked me how I was or if I needed them. When I was with one, they would only talk about their ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. It was hard hearing them talk about my friends in that sort of way. I couldn't accept how different everything was and I hurt a lot of people. I said a lot of things this summer that I wish I hadn't said. 

Let me explain. 

Everything I said, I meant, but the way I said things were influenced by how horrible I felt about my own life. I was feeling alone and unwanted and used. If someone said the things that I had said to me, I would have been fine; it wouldn't affect me. But the people I said it to didn't react the same way that I would have. I lost my best friend this summer, my best friend of 10 years... We haven't spoken since the middle of July and I don't blame her. I have dreams about her and she even hates me in my subconscious. I miss her so much more than I've ever missed anyone and I don't know if things will ever be the same.

College: Year 3

Classes

My classes are going to kill me. I'm getting deeper and deeper into my major classes so obviously they're going to be more challenging but I'm genuinely worried. I am a compulsive worrier and I'm really good at it. I feel like I'm learning things that I won't need in my day to day job life. It's hard to pay attention when I don't want to learn about what the professor is saying. 

Friends

My friends are the same and yet completely different. There's been a lot of...tension you could say. I get that we're all headed in our own directions on out own paths but it would be nice if someone would stay consistent. All summer, I lost friends left and right, now I came to college and I feel like it's the exact same thing, just a different zip code. I'm trying, I am, to get used to this "new normal" that I have but it just hurts. It hurts because I feel like I have no one to talk to. 

Work

Just yesterday I was offered a job at our local Hy-Vee which is a grocery store and I couldn't be more excited. Without being an RA and with my brother not living on campus, I have no source of income. And it's the highest starting pay I've had in a while, which is obviously a bonus. It's a great place and I'm excited to start working there.

Extras

I have gained a lot of weight since graduating high school. I try to be bubbly and happy in front of people and I would love to be that person for real. I am one of the most self conscious people that I know and it really affects my everyday life. My friends tell me I'm pretty, my boyfriend tells me I'm beautiful and I graciously accept the compliments but then I go home and beat myself up. There is not a day that goes by that I don't cry at some point about my weight or about how I look. Don't get me wrong, there are some things about myself that I think are okay but other than that, I hate myself and my body. I don't like showing that side of me so I make jokes at my own expense. My favorite one to use is, "Well, it's probably because I'm fat." It's hard being a girl, it's harder being a 20-year-old girl, but it's really hard being a 20-year-old fat girl. 

Keep your heads up, kids.

You got this.